FIVE RED LIGHTS – identifying domestic abuse

A Must set of rules and tools needed in recognizing domestic violence – vital information compiled by COB of Bat Melech, Tzilit Jacobson, Lili Ben-Ami, and Dr. Orna Yehuda Abrahamson.

Five ‘red lights’ that are commonly present within a domestic partnership:

# First Red Light – “Walking on Eggs” 

Are there reasons you are reluctant to share with others what your domestic partnership is like?

Do you tense up prior to meeting him? Do you find yourself being incredibly careful about how or what you say to him?

Are you afraid of his sharp response if you were to suggest a separation? Do you see his moods change with no apparent reasons?

Does he have the tendency to explode in anger from nonsense?

Has he threatened you with suicide or in taking revenge on those dear to you if you were to ever leave him?

# Second Red Light – “Deceptive Parity” 

Have you found yourself doubting your own sanity? Doubting your memory? Questioning your overall abilities?

Does he claim that you are ‘always at fault’, even in matters that don’t pertain to you? Does he complain that you are not acting properly towards him? Is he never satisfied with you?

Has he hurt or damaged something or someone that you love (a child, pet, a favored item)? Does he speak to you insultingly?

# Third Red Light – “Jealousy, Obsessive Control”

Do you avoid meeting friends or family you wish to see because you know he would object? Does he strenuously object to your contact or relationship with certain men or women?

Does he force you to give him your passwords so that he can enter your private sites or accounts? Does he go through your phone without your permission?

Do you erase conversations and texts, contacts, or expressions you had on social media? Does he demand that you delete pictures you uploaded to social media outlets?

Does he comment that men in the street are looking at you and he’s upset by that? Does he disapprove of your clothing? Does he create imaginary affairs you are having?

Does he keep track of your daily routine (either personally or through others)? Does he question your motives?

# Fourth Red Light – “Double-standard Relationship – Heaven and Hell” 

Do you, in public, present a positive picture of your relationship in order not to antagonize him? Does he demand that, in public, you should be friendly and portray a good mood, even when you are distressed?

Does he publicly present himself differently than when he is with you alone? Does he tell you or others tales (true or false stories) which portray him as a good-hearted, pious man or perhaps, a man who is down on his luck?

Is he both “unfortunate and dangerous” – at times he seems gentle, a poor soul hungry for love and in need of someone to care for him, and at other times he’s violent and dangerous?

Does he apologize, buy you gifts/flowers, and promises never again to behave in such a hurtful manner? When the atmosphere is relaxed between you, is he really on his best behavior (much better than any other, regular, every-day couple) but when the situation is not that good, it turns awful?

# Fifth Red Light – “Traumatic Past” 

* Does he have a history of obsessions/addictions? (not essential)

* Did he experience a deep loss? (death of a relative)

* Does he have access to weapons?

* Does he claim that his ex-wife betrayed him, and in response, you try to rebuild his trust in the world in general and women in particular?

Does all of the above sound familiar?

Dial the Bat Melech emergency phone number 1-800-292-333 to receive valuable advice and professional guidance.

Please share your anxiety or fears with a close friend or relative and ask for their help.

Iron Rule: 

The decision to leave your partner may present life-threatening scenarios!

Turn for help only to professionals within the realm of domestic abuse and violence. It is vital to ascertain that the individual or entity you are turning to is truly a professional experienced in this line.

Written by:

Lili Ben-Ami

Attorney Tzilit Jacobson

Dr. Orna Yehuda Abrahamson

Professional advice:

Ronit Lev-Ari

Dr. Tal Arzi

Said Tali

Dr. Ilana Kwartin




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