End of years muses by a victim of domestic abuse

END OF YEAR SUMMARY“ I’ve seen many posted messages cursing this year and its destroying agent, the tiny, invisible COVID, which burst into our lives. The havoc this disease caused has turned our lives up-side-down. What about me? I…on the contrary. I am hugging this year, hugging it fondly and planting a warm, loving kiss as I say good-bye to the year 2020. As the year departs, I look forward to even better years ahead. This year started off in turmoil, like a rebellious, undisciplined child you can’t control. We were confused as to how to approach the tumultuous year, how do we handle it, what does the year want from our lives? What are we supposed to do? Confusion. And then the understanding rises within you that in order to properly go through the year, you first have to examine yourself, to correct your own mistakes. The love that will follow this approach is immeasurable. A wild, burning love not to be com[pared to love that comes easily, without struggles. The third closure that has just landed on us, returns me to the birth-pangs of the year 2020.

Isolation. The first isolation. Three children with me at home. And the life I knew until this day simply disappeared. Emotionally distressing. I can’t go to work. No traveling anywhere. Locked in. Can’t leave the house. Can no longer suppress it, parents are at risk, they’ve not been seen for over three and a half months. There is no one I can rely on. I can’t pull my head out of the water but rather, I’m continuing to sink deeper. I remember myself like a wild animal in the jungle, all tensed up, shaking as I hear his distant footsteps coming up the stairs. I watch the children tensing up like a cat ready to spring. The water is simmering, coming to a boil. At the last possible moment, we managed to escape. We were another number in the statistics which was published. Yes….that one. The graph depicting the sharp rise in complaints of domestic violence. The statistics and numbers shown today, obsolete tomorrow. Every additional closure doubled and tripled those horrible numbers continued their steep rise. Please understand. The Corona was not the cause. The Corona simply helped the abuse show its ugliness in public. Thanks to the Corona. Because, if the standard of life as I knew it to be had not been shattered, so many more years of my life would have wasted in the illusion of hope that it’s still possible to repair that which was totally destroyed. Thanks to the many Zoom connections I had during these many months, I was able to stare myself in the face…especially, thanks to the “birthday party” they made for me on Zoom. I noticed the false smile on my lips, the foggy eyes devoid of any life. I saw my ashen face and how disheveled I was. I came to realize how distant I am from myself, from the person I was, the person I am. I understood now that my life’s equation was totally wrong. I gave up on myself for the children. That’s what I thought. The children come first. Thanks to the Corona, my eyes opened up. The realization sank in that every second that I remain here, hurts the children. I realized that in order to be able to give them what they need, I first must give to myself. The most important realization was that I need to get my old self back. The ‘me’ that was lost, must be retrieved. The ‘I’ which forgot what she wants, what she feels.Yes. The one who covered herself with layers of filth, fear, lack of self-confidence. The one I believed has disappeared forever. She now returned. It was a process. Just like learning to ride a bike, I fell many times, bumped, and crashed on my road to self-awareness but now, the road is almost totally smooth. Small obstacles on the way will no longer deter me from the path I am on. This was the year that gave birth to my freedom. Birth pangs and hardships. But they are quickly forgotten because one concentrates on the cute, adorable newborn. Therefore, with every isolation, with every additional closure, I enjoy getting upset but immediately remind myself of all the goodness that grew out of the bad situation. From the loveable Corona”

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